In the full-swing of my awkward teenage years, the worst possible thing anyone could say to me was ‘oh, you’ll be fine, just be yourself!’ I’d swiftly descend into an internal vortex, thinking ‘but I don’t know who ‘myself’ IS? So how do I BE her?’ And the harder I tried to ‘be myself’ the more awkward (and weird) I’d feel.
Oh, puberty. Thankfully the days of dodgy undercuts, green eyeshadow, rebelling against nothing in particular and that heady mix of hormones are (mostly) in the past. But there are still times I catch myself pondering this same question: Who am I? Who am I, aside from the role of mother, daughter, partner, sister, friend? Who am I, if not the person society has been telling me for 40 years that I am? And who would I be if I hadn’t had that [fill in your own experience] happen to me?
How can I be authentically ‘myself’ when I’m not always sure who that self is?
What does it mean to be authentic?
While there are a number of definitions of authenticity, one of the most succinct comes from existentialism, which describes it as the degree to which your actions align with your values and desires, despite external pressures from society to conform. Brené Brown’s work on authenticity unpacks this further. She explains that authenticity isn’t a ‘thing’ we are born with but a daily set of choices we make:
‘Authenticity is not something we have or don’t have. It’s a practice – a conscious choice of how we want to live. Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.’
But are these actually ‘choices’?
But a lot of the time, we are making these choices without being aware of the many external influences that have contributed to making us who we are – the whole pot-luck of birth and parentage and family dynamics, of religion and schooling and assorted life experiences. Some of these elements may have shaped you in a positive way for which you feel grateful. Others may be ones you need to shake off in order to re-set the story of who you really are.
All of this makes authenticity a nebulous subject. With the ever-present push-pull of fitting in versus standing out, the relentless bombardment via social media of other people’s opinions, and the many different roles we have to play every day, how can we live lives that feel authentic?
How can we simply ‘be’ ourselves?
1. Take some time to get to know yourself
Identify your values, your likes and dislikes, the things you really think versus the things you think you should think. Think about the qualities, people and experiences that guide your life and your sense of integrity. For me, courage and kindness are at the top of my list. For my four-year-old, it’s ketchup and unicorns. We both seek opportunities to integrate these things into our lives and in so doing we’re both being true to our authentic selves (ok, but you get my point…) Do an inventory check of the things that really matter to you. Recognise that your values and priorities will change over time too – and that’s ok.
Maybe take yourself on a few dates to get to know yourself again. Try a phone-free walk or go to a random exhibition. Read a book you’d never normally pick or choose a yoga class that takes you out of your comfort zone. Removing yourself temporarily from your normal rhythms and routines can help you to unlock some new insights about yourself.
2. Mind the gap (and do something to close it if you can)
Sometimes, when we’ve spent a bit of time reconnecting with who we are, we can find that there is a gap between who we know ourselves to be and who we are showing up as in daily life. Perhaps you’re interested in spirituality but have let your meditation practice slip. Perhaps joy is a key desire in your life but your job is grinding you down. Or perhaps you value empathy in those around you but your current relationships feel lacking. It can be uncomfortable to realise that your present situation isn’t serving you well, but it’s also fundamental to being able to live authentically. Where possible, take some time to rejig your life to better match the things you know are important to you – even if you have to begin with baby steps.
3. Practice mindfulness / Take a pause
Mindfulness can help you to tap into your true self and ensure that you take a beat before reacting impulsively to stressful situations (something I’m having to work on EVERY day as a mum of two small kids!) Tara Brach’s brilliant book ‘Radical Acceptance’ talks about the ‘sacred pause’ as a moment – whether that’s a minute or a few months – where we stop asking ourselves the frantic question ‘what do I do next?’ and simply stop to notice what we’re experiencing:
‘When we pause, we don’t know what will happen next. But by disrupting our habitual behaviours, we open to the possibility of new and creative ways of responding to our wants and fears.’
For me, this ‘sacred pause’ is where I get the chance to choose how I want to show up. And no, it doesn’t always happen – sometimes I let the knee-jerk reaction come bubbling up and then berate myself later for a response which I regret. By simply trying to pause and think about who we want to be and how we want to interact with the world, we can begin to align our behaviour more authentically with our values – and learn to trust that our real selves will know intuitively how to respond.
Whether it’s practising yoga or meditation, journaling in the morning before your day begins, or taking some time for mindful breathing or eating, a few moments every day to pause and be present can help you to connect with your truest self.
A meditation inquiring: “Who am I?”
This Hridaya Meditation settles you, gets you in touch with your heart, the stillness around you and the still pauses at the top of the in and at the bottom of the out breath. Next we start asking ourselves the question “Who am I?” Not to answer it from the mind, but to feel and sit with the question from our heart.
3. Pick your friends wisely
I have a handful of friends with whom I can be my true, unfiltered self. The ones that I can text when I’m hiding in the toilet from my screaming kids and say HELP ME. The ones I can laugh with until our cheeks are about to fall off. The ones who see that I can be silly AND sensitive, confident AND cripplingly self-deprecating, introspective AND extravert and that these are all aspects of me that make sense as a package. The ones who can, when needed, call me out for any BS I might be peddling (and yes, that’s important too!) Over the years, I’ve come to build up a small but mighty team of champions who help me not only to be myself, but to slowly start to like myself —and for whom I hope I can do the same.
4. Watch out for the ‘what will everybody think?’ gremlins
I’m a people-pleaser and the phrase ‘not everybody will like you’ can have the same effect on me now as ‘be yourself’ did in my teenage years. But living your life to please others is exhausting, demoralising and detrimental to your own self-worth and potential. And, news flash – it will never work. In her book ‘Finding your own North Star’ Martha Stewart sheds light on this concept of ‘everybody’ or the ‘generalised other’ that we create in order to avoid getting hurt and to keep what she calls our ‘essential’, true selves in a box:
‘No matter how deeply your essential self longs to find the real love, the real mission, the real meaning of your life, your social self will not let you embrace these things as long as Everybody disapproves…Actually the social self would prefer that you don’t do anything, anything at all, until Everybody kneels down and begs you to do it.’
Trying to accept that you can’t please ‘everybody’ is one of the key elements of living an authentic life. If you’re constantly trying to mould yourself to fit into the expectations of others, you’ll never find what really matters to you. Yes, a few people may not understand or approve of who you are or what you are doing with your life, but the right people will. And, as I have to keep reminding myself, most people are too preoccupied with their own lives to even notice.
5. Know that you can be authentic and play different roles – and change!
We have a variety of roles to play in life. And we can shift roles while still being the real ‘me’. Who I am at 6am when I’m rudely awakened by a demanding small person is different to who I am when presenting a workshop. But both are still ‘me’ and I hope I can bring the qualities of kindness and courage to both situations (the latter definitely needed at 6am, alongside its partner-in-crime, caffeine).
Who I am at 6am when I’m rudely awakened by a demanding small person is different to who I am when presenting a workshop. But both are still ‘me’ and I hope I can bring the qualities of kindness and courage to both situations.
And the same goes for difference between the who-I-was-at-21 (‘why all the fuss about this adulting stuff, it’s easy?’) and the who-I-am-at-41 (‘where is the instruction manual, I have no idea what I’m doing?!’) The past and the present me are definitely different characters, but they share the same foundational elements of who I am. Namely – wanting to show up as the best version of myself, wanting to act with integrity, wanting to give and receive connection and love. Even if my fashion choices are quite a bit better now, these other elements have remained consistent.
6. Practice speaking your truth and admitting when things aren’t ‘great’
It’s tempting to present an image of ourselves to the outside world that makes everyone around us think we have our sh*t together. I’m definitely guilty of that at times. There’s the desperate tidy-up before people come over. The ‘yeah I’m doing good!’ spiel when I’ve just layered on under-eye concealer to hide the fact that my anxiety and/or offspring have kept me awake all night. The picture-perfect instagram post of two cuddly children during an afternoon dominated by incessant toddler-rage. And while I’m not suggesting that we all pour our hearts out to every person we encounter, I am suggesting that it’s ok sometimes to share when things aren’t THAT great (and it’s also ok to share when things are going well too, to the right people and at the right time!)
7. Don’t try too hard
It seems controversial to say this after my neat little how-to guide on being more authentic. But in reality, there is no ‘formula’ for discovering your authentic self. Simply spend time with yourself and with people who love you. Do the things that make your heart sing. Recognise when certain situations or environments don’t make you feel good. Take note of when you say or do something that grates internally with the person you aspire to be. It’s one of the paradoxes of humanness that the harder we try to be ourselves, the more forced the whole process is likely to become. So let it go a little, and let the real you bubble up to the surface. As Carl Jung said, ‘The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are’.
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Of course, I still have awkward moments with people I can’t quite relax with. I’m still influenced by my surroundings and by society. I still behave differently depending on the circumstances I am contending with. But – and it’s taken a messy road to get here – I think I’m starting to know who the real me is. So now, at least, if someone says to me ‘just be yourself’ I can simply take a breath and say ‘Ok.’
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Thanks to Jessica Felicio on Unsplash for main image.
